The root cause of poor boundaries
- People pleasing – you’re afraid of what others will think if you say no. You subconsciously believe you’re a better person if you give more.
- You were raised in a home without boundaries and probably with some chaos.
- You worry more about hurting other people’s feelings than you do about your own.
- You may not love yourself or believe you are worthy enough to protect.
- You struggle with decision making and assertiveness, and don’t trust yourself or your opinions, allowing others to walk all over you leaving you feeling resentful, uncertain and bitter.
Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out. As children some of us had parents that helped to teach us appropriate boundaries – what are others allowed to touch, say or do to us. Some people had families or an abusive partner that violated some of those boundaries and in turn taught us that we were not in control of ourselves, leaving us vulnerable to others. In addition to boundaries with others, there are also internal boundaries which are boundaries we have within ourselves. Internal boundaries have to do with self regulation, choosing to parent ourselves, choosing to say no to ourselves when we want to do something that is self destructive.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me
You have the right to choose what boundaries you want to have for yourself. Will you allow others to put you down, belittle you, or curse at you? Will you allow someone to violate you physically? Will you allow someone to manipulate you and lie to you and betray your trust time and time again or will you put up a boundary of protection, self-preservation and self-respect. Is it time to look at internal boundaries, becoming more in tuned with your internal self talk, self compassion, and setting loving limits on yourself. That’s right, this is your choice even though it doesn’t feel like it is. Having boundaries does not mean that you are rigid or selfish. Boundaries mean that you love yourself, value yourself, and care for yourself. Today take some time and write down areas in your life where you want more boundaries. Will you stop saying yes even when you want to say no? Will you choose to separate from an emotionally or physically abusive person in your life? Having stronger boundaries will help you attract healthier, quality people. Poor boundaries often times attract people that will hurt you in one way or another. Awareness is the first step.